Audrey Ference Answers Your Questions: “I Have a Problem..”

Audrey Ference Answers Your Questions: “I Have a Problem..”

Q. Audrey! I have a horrible problem. I was engaged to a wonderful man who I thought I would marry, but he broke up with me and asked me to wait three years until he is out of law school. My heart is telling me to wait but my mind is yelling, “what are you thinking!” I’m so torn. Will time heal everything?

A. I guess time will heal everything, in the sense that eventually we’ll all be dead and it won’t really matter that much, but in the relative short term, I don’t think time is the problem here. Three years is a long time to just wait around for some dude. It’s not entirely clear to me whether the two of you are still together and he just wants to wait to get married until after he’s done with law school, in which case sure, fine. If you like being with someone, what’s difference whether you’re married or just partners, you know?

But if he’s saying he wants to date other people all during law school and then magically get back together, get married, and spend the rest of your lives together, that sounds, uh, unrealistic. To my mind, that is just a “nice” way of breaking up with you. Three years is long enough that you’ll probably be very different people by the end of it, particularly if he’s in a different place for school. A lot of people I know met their life partners in law school. Why not spend the three years doing your thing, dating other people and just living life? If it gets to be law school graduation time and you reconnect, awesome! If three years passes by and you’ve found someone else, or have just moved on, that’s great too.

I would just hate for you to waste your time waiting around for some guy who you may or may not even like in three years.

Q. I dated the same guy for a few years in graduate school, but things never seem to work out with us. The thing is, he always comes back into my life every six months or so. I’ve talked with him about how I feel tossed around, but he claims his life is all over the place. I really enjoy my time with him, but am so sick of the roller coaster. Why do I keep going back?! How to I stop myself?!

A. Oh, those guys. I think everyone has one of those guys in their life at some point. And sometimes it works out—you both find yourselves at the same place at the same time and it finally all fits together. Much, much more often, though, those guys will happily just bounce between you and whoever else they’re interested in, knowing there’s someone who is willing to care about them when they need caring about.

I have a friend who is the type of person who is never really single. Even when she’s not in a monogamous relationship, she always has one guy or another on a back burner or in the possible boyfriends pile. Or there’s an ex that she’s pining for even though the relationship is over and there’s no real chance of reconciliation. She just hates feeling single, so she always has a possibility lurking somewhere. She is an absolute sucker for the type of guy you’re describing, and having one drift back into her life has sabotaged relationships that might have actually been what she was looking for.

She has finally realized that holding the door open just in case for whatever former boyfriend or on-and-off-can’t-commit dude has kind of messed up her ability to enjoy being alone AND messed up her ability to enjoy being in a relationship. It sounds like maybe you are getting to this point, too. I know that it seems hard, especially when you enjoy being with this guy, but I think you just have to tell yourself he’s out of the picture, and really act like it.

It’s one thing if you’re looking for some occasional fun and this guy provides it, but from what you’ve said, it sounds like you want a relationship and he doesn’t. You’re never going to convince someone to be with you who doesn’t want to. So you’re going to have to rip that bandaid off and move on. Sucks, I know. And maybe someday he’ll come back all mature and serious and ready to have the kind of relationship you want. Which, great. But don’t count it.

Find a guy who is amazing and wants to be with you. You’ll be so much happier.

Q. I have such an embarrassing question, Audrey. Everyone has always asked me if I have “fire down under.” And, yes, of course I do- I am a natural redhead! I am so embarrassed about my “fire down under,” and obsessively make sure I am fully waxed so I am never made fun of. I so badly want to embrace it, but I can’t. Lastly I am so happy to find a website like How to be a Redhead and a writer like you to answer these embarrassing redhead questions!! Thank you Audrey! (I hope you pick my question!)

A. Aw, that makes me so bummed! Firecrotch is the COOLEST. I myself did not come by my red hair genetically (shhhhh), and I would be beyond excited to have your problem. If people make you feel shy because they’re asking you about the color of your pubic hair, that is because people you don’t know are casually asking you about your pubic hair. That’s not actually socially acceptable! Feel free to tell those people to fuck off and mind their own business.

I suspect, though, that in their creepy, oafish way, they’re also just excited about red pubes. They’re neat! And rare! I am willing to bet that anyone who is intimate enough with you to get a chance to see your “fire down under” will be pretty psyched about it.

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Audrey Ference writes the Sex With the Natural Redhead column at The L Magazine. She’s excited to (try to) answer any and all questions you have about sex and relationships here at How to be a Redhead. Have a question? Comment here or write to press@howtobearedhead.com and your question might be the next one featured! She will be answering your questions every Wednesday & Sunday: stay tuned.

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